The Gay Question:
A Personal Reflection on My Sexuality As
Embodied Religion
Problem for Reflection:
Though much has been written
about the often acrimonious, though increasingly less so, intersection between
Christianity and gay male identity in postindustrial society, little research
has been done, especially within the field of religious studies, analyzing much
of the Christian tropes that structure contemporary gay rights discourse. The
following is a personal reflection on what I, as a white sis-gendered, Canadian
male of relative prosperity, experience gayness as. Though not intended to be
universal, or in any way to repudiate the insights afforded by queer theory, I
have found that my personal reflection on this topic may reveal the underline
martyrology that often structures the arguments of LGBTTIIAAPQQ rights advocates
and their opponents. And I think this may suggest that we ought to cut the
Gordian knot of persecution discourse, so as to advance the dialogue in a more
productive direction. I extend my apologies for being rather heated in my
discussion.
Positive Aspects
Though I can’t speak for all queer persons, my experience of
being gay is something like this. To be gay is to live in a context where
sexuality is an essential part of one’s identity, and the means by which one
can create a subject position in the context of suffering. It is something that
makes me so happy, I find it immensely rewarding, and of which I am very proud.
Paradoxically, despite the fact that it has caused me excruciating pain, I
consider it my best character trait, because it has help me develop all the
other virtues I like about myself. I am happy to witness it in public,
evangelize it, and — if necessary — I would freely choose martyrdom rather than
renounce it. It is significant for me because of how I connect to the
transcendent, and it is intimately married to my core beliefs.
It’s about
transforming the shame one experiences for homoerotic desire into an
affirmation of the positivity of sex and the sanctity of love. As a political
strategy, being gay is about removing certain oppressive power dynamics from
sex and love, so that we can build a world that is more loving and more
egalitarian. In this respect, it’s about turning “sexual deviance” into a
positive ethical position. It is not an accidental part of who I am; it is an
essential part of who I am, particularly in my ethical relationships with
others and the transcendent.
There is no Connor essence apart from it because
it is impossible for me to imagine my subjectivity beyond the history that has
shaped my life. Even when I tried to suppress it, it blossomed out of me like a
lotus flower. The truth about ourselves
is revealed beyond our control. It seems to be disingenuous or against my
nature to act any other way, and when I have done so it has led to destructive
behavior with harmful consequences for me and those I love. Sometimes, though
not always, I feel more fortunate because it allows me to see and understand
different aspects of what it means to be human. It also makes me a better
scholar because I have to practice self-doubt. Because I have experienced the
pain of persecution, I am loath to cause suffering in others, and being gay has
helped me develop a fascination with and acceptance of diversity. I feel I am
less squeamish about sexuality and the body than a lot of my contemporaries
because I’ve had to interrogate the Manichaean underpinnings of Occidental
thought.
Being gay is linked to human flourishing. It can be conceived
by many, including myself, as a particular way of life, encompassing many
different and unique cultural forms, often not located in straight culture. It
can even be a type of language. And it can be a way to build profoundly immoral
or moral communal relationships with others. It can be a history as well as an
aesthetic sensibility. This is not to say that, like everything else, it is not
a product of historical accident. Just because a phenomenon is contingent, it
does not follow that it is either completely malleable or meaningless. Life is
not that simple!
So long as it is not
harmful to others, I want human beings to be happy, since there has been enough
suffering in the world. For whatever reason, I am happiest when loved by men. I
don’t seem to be able to live as good of
a life without male companionship. It inspires me to write poetry, compose
essays, commit virtuous acts, endure physical pain, experienced trust,
experience sexual desire, let go of fear, etc. As you know, I have a very
strong platonic bias, so rather than complementarity, I value sameness, insofar
as I long for a philosophic partner who I can also have sex with. I think
sometimes, though not always, same-sex relationships can be more egalitarian
and compassionate because there seems to be less masquerading. When I’m around
men everything is in color; for everything makes sense to me. When I’m around
women for too long, or I have to deny my sexual orientation, a heavy fog comes over me. I love to touch men.
I love to be near them. I like the way we smell, and I like the way we give
hugs. I like the way we struggle with emotions. I like the way we feel, and I
like our strength. I want to be with other men all the time. I think we can be
the most beautiful things in creation, like walking works of art. Men are more
complex than a philosophical puzzle”. I enjoy our candor, and sometimes even are
socially constructed machismo, ability and aggression, if properly exercised. I
enjoy the roughness and gentility of men. We men often don’t know ourselves,
and it is the profoundest joy of my life to help men access emotions often
denied them because of the way heteronormativity works.
Like anyone, I experience a lot of lust. Nevertheless, I
desire to have sex with men because I want to give myself over completely to
them, open myself to them, sacrifice myself for them, unite with them, let go
with them, feel ecstasy with them, cry with them, be fragile with them, explore
my flaws with them, know that I’m alive with them, and, most of all, fall
asleep with them exhausted in my arms. I desire to live with them, so that I
can sacrifice myself for them. I want to support them when they’re sick. I want
to raise children with them. I want to volunteer with them. I want to be
incorporated into their family. I want to make a home with them. I want to
support them in their careers. I want them to help me understand the meaning of
life. I want to share my secrets with them. I want to swim with them. I want to
travel with them. I want to die with them holding my hand and I want them to
remember me when I’m gone. I am grateful for the work that has been done, but
there is still a lot to do. Nonnormative
ways of being in the world are not adequately cherished or understood by
society. Gay men are not a monolith, and it is impossible to know “what gay men
want”, but a good starting place is understanding them from where they are,
even if they don’t conform to what others may deem acceptable.
Experience of Social Stigma
Being gay is never to take the process of recognition by others
as human beings for granted. It is to identify consciously as a second-class
citizen. It is like having a giant question-mark over one’s head all the time,
especially when I grew up. Sometimes, as much as it can also be a very happy
experience, it is like carrying around a giant millstone on one’s neck made up
of rage and resentment at injustice; and you have to guard against turning suffering
into a general desire for vengeance, because frequently you are not precisely
sure who, if anyone, is your enemy. It is to live, consciously or not, in
protest against the ghosts of moral horror and censoriousness conjured by the
dying embers of sodom’s condemnation, even though you may not perform anal
intercourse. It is to live partially outside the “general public”.
Theologically speaking, it is often to be guilty until proven innocent.
For me, homoerotic
desire brought fear, isolation and confusion. For years I felt deceptive and
untrustworthy, even though I wasn’t living much of a lie. You have to negotiate
when to disclose and when not to, lest you be perceived as “promoting a gay agenda”.
And you have to deal with the trauma of the quest for your humanity being
considered an agenda. Some people find you to be a fascinating novelty, while others
wish you would vanish; few people who are not like you understand you. You have
to develop defense mechanisms, since you have been exposed to bigotry. You live
in fear of violence, and so you learn to distance yourself from people, lest
they hurt you. You are constantly aware of persecution, and willing to use the
law to protect yourself because you feel attacked, outnumbered and outgunned.
And you’re aware that many countries believe that your existence is the sign of Western decadence, even as
you are also often portrayed as the sign
of Original Sin.
If that fails, people claim that you contravene some
pleasantly ahistorical Natural Law, and, if natural law does not fit the bill,
they use evolutionary biology. These things are also used to enable
well-intentioned heterosexuals to make you in their own image, a timeless idol of
their conception of sexuality and gender. Often, of course, they understand
neither; for there is complete ignorance about topics that are meaningful to
you, including from healthcare professionals involved with your well-being. Moreover,
there is less access to the services you require to keep you healthy, while you
are also blamed for the spread of infection. There are fewer social supports
for you, especially when you become elderly. If you ever need care, you will
likely be dependent on persons from cultures where your existence is often
viewed as abhorrent. And the irony of this, of course, is that you are the one who apparently makes so
much of sexuality, while their unacknowledged fantasies about you does much
more to support the current system of sexuality.
You feel exhausted
because you never know when you will have to defend yourself; or, if you are
fortunate, when your family will have to defend you. As accepted as you may
feel, from time to time, you probably feel guilty about disappointing your
parents. And you care what people think, while you also have guilt because you
are not supposed to care what other people think, always maintaining pride and
strength, fitness and perfection. And you are supposed to be able to repel
anything hateful that happens to you with a sassy and upbeat remark. And
because of this pressure, you are more likely to have mental health issues, and
have contemplated suicide.
You don’t understand
why society is the way it is, but you recognize that you are not part of the
dominant group: most of the messages you see through media don’t reflect your
experience. You feel constantly judged, and so you learn to control your
behavior because what you experience as natural much of society deems mildly
repugnant or inferior. You feel the need to justify your sexual orientation,
since you have been made to feel like you have some sort of handicap. People often
imply that everything you do either is a response to pride or shame. If you
like something that fits with the stereotype of what gay people like, you are
often mocked. But you are also mocked if you don’t conform to the stereotype.
You are encouraged to integrate. You are told that you are equal, even though
you don’t feel that way. No one acknowledges their uncomfortableness with what
you do in private because those things are not considered essential to who you
are. You have to struggle against disgust with your desires from yourself and
society
.
You are aware of being part of the movement that allegedly
fights against the weight of tradition. People say that you are indicative of
innovation and decadence. You have few role models and you have to fashion them
from a tradition that is constructed as excluding you. People who claim to love
you sometimes believe in a God that would condemn you to an eternity of
suffering for loving another man. This same God, apparently, created HIV for
the same reason. And if you get HIV it’s your fault for being promiscuous.
Now with the advent of same-sex marriage, there is pressure
to adopt an institution that has excluded you for millennia. Some people do not
respect your way of doing things, or that there may be multiple and
non-heteronormative ways to live a good life. And people who are supposed to
accept you claim the moral high ground on account of their belief in a
benevolent God. And you are expected to tolerate their barbaric, ignorant and
irrational beliefs because they are sincerely held, though they come from a
place of violence and hatred. The Bible becomes a weapon against you, and it
acts as a sanctimonious shield blocking any charitable or sensible conversation.
The public debate about “homosexual activity” seems to be endless, even though
logically there should be no debate because no moral issue is at stake.
Nevertheless, no matter what you do, there always seems to be another argument
against you, a slightly different form, because some ideologue, who doesn’t
know you, decides that it is appropriate to pronounce on what she thinks you do
in the bedroom
Conclusion: Openness and Deep
Equality
Though there is much I admire about those constructed as
women, I could not form a successful romantic partnership with one, while also being honest with her or
myself; nor would chastening my desires excessively bring me to anything
approaching the state of grace that is my best hope for a more meaningful life.
To act in any other way than as a gay man would cause me to fight futilely and
hopelessly against my best hope for redemption; and, in doing so, I would
surrender all that that redemption has to offer to the world. That would be a rejection
of grace. Moreover, it would constitute an apostasy every bit as serious and
unethical as renouncing one’s faith under political pressure. I would rather experience
perpetual torture than worship a God who would torture people for love or sex,
and any person with a backbone ought to feel the same way. Fortunately, if
there is a God, it is completely illogical to suppose that she/he is like that.
Nor is it ethical for a human being to behave that way either.
