Queer pride popularized fellatio & cunnilingus, so suck it:: responding to #heterosexualprideday

My first response to “heterosexual pride day rhetoric” is always BITCH, gay men gave you fellatio. The United States is the blowjob capital of the world because this sexual practice was made popular in the 20^th century by gay men. So if you’ve ever enjoyed giving or receiving a blowjob, along with many other gems of Western culture, such as the Sistine Chapel, you have gay pride to thank. Straight men in particular, therefore, should be on their knees in gratitude instead of opposing or making light of gay pride. Alas, straight men are particularly talented at arrogance and ingratitude — at least they have something. To include women in this discussion, ladies, you can probably thank distorted representations of lesbians for your boyfriends’ increased willingness to go down on you. And both women and gay men owe an unimaginable amount of debt to the trailblazing work of radical feminist lesbians, who remain constantly underappreciated.

Every year during LGBTQ pride month , a familiar debate surfaces. I even had to hear this debate while in the closet. Why have pride at all? There is no heterosexual pride festival. Heterosexuals do not make a big deal out of their sexuality, and now that we have inclusion, why must sexual minorities highlight their differences?

Choosing to come out, many times to many different people, continues to be a great challenge and a great joy. When I came out, I was honestly prepared to give up everything. My parents had made it quite clear that they did not desire a gay or gender nonconforming son, and I grossly underestimated their capacity to change and be loving human beings. Because I’m physically disabled, at the time I was completely dependent on them. As such, my years spent in the closet were years of fear for my physical safety. If this were not enough, I also felt — and still feel from time to time — that, were I to act on these desires, my immortal soul would be in danger. I felt shame at being a horrible man. Not only was I a cripple, I was also a faggot, and probably a bottom. Dreadfully misogynistic, I, therefore, thought I was a subhuman creature worse than a woman. And, despite years of counseling, the feeling is not entirely eradicated. No one wants to be different, and I certainly did not need extra burdens.

Nevertheless, I came out. It was the right thing to do; it was the honest thing to do. And one ought to do what is right, regardless of actual or imagined consequences. I continue to be an active member of the gay community, despite exhausting stigma from inside and outside; I participate because my insistent position as a disabled gay men makes our community more compassionate as well as society in general. If I let shame, from whatever source, control my life, I would suffer and so also would everyone else. Shane doesn’t go away with coming out for a lot of people. It took me the longest time to realize it was okay to hug another man or say I love you to a man outside the family and actually have strong emotion. You can say that I’m particularly damaged, but I think this is a common experience. And how sad it is that in a society allegedly as free as ours, I still put so much symbolic weight on touching another man’s hand? Why should it matter what precisely is one’s sexual orientation in this instance or relationship status? Do we not want to create a world that is more sensitive, just, and compassionate? Presumably, heightening the many ways in which human beings can love and have sex is a good way to do this. My problem with traditional sexual ethics is not simply that they are archaic. My problem is far deeper than this: truly, I believe that “traditional heterosexuality” — a modern discourse — creates morally defective human beings. It seems odd to me that violence is completely normalized, but sexual displays at pride Festivals are upsetting to many. Soft, the penis looks rather comical, when hard the worst things it can shoot almost always will not kill you or even hurt you. Sadly, the same is not true of an assault rifle. And I wonder how many deaths in world history could have been avoided if heterosexual men in power learn to be more chill about their cocks

I feel bad for lots of heterosexist straight people. Being gay, despite all its problems, cause by community members and outside pressure, is more fun than what I believe the majority of heterosexual people get up to. This is not because heterosexuality is intrinsically inferior. Rather, to be gay, or to be marginalized in any other or additional way, can make one a better person. There are some horrible gay people out there, usually because they are unable to overcome shame and guilt and/or because they think pornography represents real life. Pursuit of sex to an unhealthy degree is endemic to contemporary gay life, and, in some versions, I find this disturbing. As a disabled man, I know firsthand the pain caused by the idolatry of male body worship. Even so, I don’t think “becoming normal” is a satisfactory answer. I am proud of almost all of the alternative lifestyles we had built, simply for the courage it takes to show that it is possible to exists beyond convention.

Particularly, I am proud that sex positivity can often create more caring and inclusive environments for disabled people. In my personal experience, the more sexually repressed you are, the more likely there will be a lot of space between you and my wheelchair, regardless of whether you know I’m gay or not. “sluts” touch, and I find physical contact 10 times more honest than anti-oppression liberal sympathy. We all have boundaries. There comes a point in life, however, at which a person of sound judgment and courage has the fortitude to smash his with a sledgehammer, even though this may be uncomfortable temporarily. The point is obvious and simple, but it is worth making. As we become more comfortable with our bodies and ourselves, we learn to love others more compassionately and deeply, not in spite of their differences but because of their differences. I have met so many extraordinary gay people, each one of whom has had a shaming event owing to his sexual orientation that ought not to have happened. These shaming events, however, make many of us better people.

There is nothing intrinsically meritorious about being gay, indigenous, disabled, gender variant, and economically disadvantaged, or whatever other intersections of categories. These are historical accidents. Nonetheless, something in which one ought to take pride is the integrity that is necessary to live one’s life in accordance with one’s convictions, in the face of immense pressure not to do so. In addition to this, what takes more effort is the courage to pursue what one wants. This is so because we are taught that certain desires, though harmless, like much of kink and drag cultures, are perverted. I find this hilarious because most often BDSM harms no one and strengthens intimacy, whereas the mass consumption of coffee and animal protein causes untold suffering. Which, I ask, is more perverted and sadistic? Every time you think about or engage in sex with another man, you are consciously and unconsciously being courageous. And every time you love another man as a man you are perhaps even more daring. Love in general is a bold move. Yet you have to have “giant balls,” so to speak, in order to experience any kind of love outside the norm. And anyone who has substance will tell you, whether she is lesbian/bisexual or straight, that it is the kind of affection worth having and the only kind that will last throughout the vicissitudes of time and adversity.

We do not just perform pride for ourselves, though this is a sufficient justification. We perform pride for all the people still executed. All the people who are kicked out of their homes. Who are bullied at school. Who struggle with depression, suicide, and/or drug dependency. Who have eating disorders, HIV, and or inadequate  healthcare. Who cannot get the operation required to make them feel at ease with the external manifestation of their gender. We perform pride to encourage people like me to experience the full range of love and sex. We perform pride to make the world more compassionate and accepting.

            If you think queer politics are somehow now “in your face,” try living our lives. Every fucking day is a heterosexual celebration. Every Valentine’s Day tells me that I don’t belong, even though we have more media representation. I rarely see mass celebrations of “heterosexuality” make the world more compassionate and accepting. Nor has heterosexuality frequently been considered shameful, and so it does not constitute an identity by dint of which the same kind of personal growth and/or celebration may be achieved. The thing straight should take pride in is their willingness to surrender many aspects of an incessantly maintained system of domination, in favor of a more egalitarian world for all. Those types of actions take real courage. And if the spectrum of gay sex can have moral lessons for everyone, they will be found by exploring the conviction that one can remain a man while surrendering dominance and poise from time to time and exploring the caring that that abnegation can engender.